Some of the most obnoxious people I have ever met are psychologists. I’ll never forget the time years ago when I attended the annual convention of the American Psychological Association in Washington, D.C. You would not believe how many restaurant meals were returned during those few days! Apparently psychologists have little trouble asserting themselves. “I’m sorry but I asked for the dressing on the side, and the lettuce could be crisper, and my spoon has a discoloration on it, and I specified no ice for my water, and could you ask the people at the next table to speak a little more quietly….” Some people need to be given a nice whack on the back of the head just like my mama would do to me whenever I acted like a jerk. (The whack would be accompanied by the Italian equivalent of, “Stop being an ass!”)
I tell this story because I wrote about assertiveness in my October 13 column (due to a printing problem at Métro, the September 29 column wasn’t published and was postponed to the 13th). Assertiveness is one of those things in life that people see as a strength, and I agree…in most cases anyway. Just like any trait, too much or too little of it can be a problem. Psychologists often deal with people who lack confidence, most of whom are unable to assert themselves adequately. This keeps them in unpleasant circumstances and makes it difficult for them to address dissatisfaction. I think this is why psychologists, and other advice givers, have a tendency to be biased toward the belief that assertiveness is always good. Unfortunately, there is a fine line between appropriate assertiveness and obnoxious or downright aggressive behaviour.
The reason I wanted to talk about this caveat is that I meet too many people (and not always in a clinical context) who really need to question their attitudes more. It seems that in many conflicts there is always an unreasonable person who tries to justify his or her crappy attitude by saying, “I was just expressing my opinion.” They could probably use a little more humility. We can’t live in a world where we always get our way. Assertiveness is a good thing but not when it becomes a tool for people who can’t let anything go.
Of course if I was more assertive myself I would have told those people in Washington to be less assertive and to live with the ice in their water….
…and then I would have given them the whack! (With all due respect, of course!)
I was just expressing my opinion
(Source: Des opinions qui dérangent. Journal Métro, October 13, 2009)
Being able to assert our selves is an important skill to have. Assertiveness helps us effect the changes we desire and prevents us from being taken advantage of. Unfortunately assertiveness is a bit of a double-edged sword.
Two ends of a spectrum
Some people are very shy or overly afraid of upsetting others. They may feel they are less important than others. For such people, learning to assert themselves is an absolute necessity. Without this ability they tend to be at the mercy of others. On the other hand, there are people at the other end of the spectrum of self-importance. They feel that their attitudes are always justified and really don’t care what others think. For these individuals assertiveness becomes just an excuse to defend or promote their poor attitudes.
You will often hear an aggressive person say, “I was just expressing my opinion. There is nothing wrong with that.” Well I suppose there isn’t…but that can’t always be a good thing. After all, neo-Nazi’s and bigots are also simply “expressing their opinions.”
First step: Question your attitude
The first and most important step to take is to examine your attitude and properly analyze a situation that might be bothering you. Do you have all the facts? Did you take the time to consider the other person’s point of view? In other words, is there really a problem and are you justified in your opinion? This is the step that distinguishes the people who are lacking in assertiveness from those who are overly aggressive in their attitudes. The aggressive types tend to feel justified, regardless of which facts contradict them or how trivial the problem is. The unassertive types constantly question themselves and minimize the importance of their opinions and their feelings.
Second step: Question your method
Once you have determined you are justified, it is then necessary to express yourself, even if it makes you uncomfortable. The best method is to prepare your message and wait for an opportunity when the person you need to speak to seems receptive. If you avoid these opportunities, the problems will only worsen. You will accumulate frustration and will eventually get angry enough to blurt out something aggressive. The other person will then defend his or her own opinion rather than consider yours.
While not always easy, assertiveness is a necessary skill to develop. It takes courage but keep practicing. It will pay off in the end.
Unless of course you’re one of those people who are overly assertive. In that case, then you should practice keeping your opinions to yourself.
Tagged as assertion, assertiveness.
Posted in Anger and conflict, Human nature.
Posted on 30 Oct 2009
