Why am I always attracted to abusive alcoholics?

Intriguing title for this blog post, don’t you think? Well it is an actual question I have been asked more than once in my career.

It certainly does make you wonder. It’s not as if on a first date, we would typically ask something like, “Are you the kind of person that will make my life a living hell?” And when they say, “Count on it,” we happily give out our phone number!

There must be something about the filter that is lacking when we are seeking a relationship. Of course we can’t read minds and we will sometimes find ourselves in bad relationships. It happens and it can’t always be avoided. But for many people the pattern happens more often than it should. The reason for this is usually the overly strong desire to be with someone.

There is nothing wrong with wanting a relationship. But if you are too insecure about being alone, you may be blind to all the red flags that everyone else can see. Today’s column was inspired by a true story. I was supervising some students on their first clinical cases at Concordia University. One student described a session with her client. The client seemed all excited and positively giddy about a man she met. “We spent hours on the phone talking all night long!” At some point in the conversation, she let out a detail that was extremely disturbing. In his youth, (not that long ago) this man used to skin living cats!

It was remarkable how this woman dismissed the fact without a second’s hesitation. Now, we may all have done things in the past we regret, and it is not as if a person can never change, but all of the students in my supervision group would have probably run screaming from a possible relationship with this man. The client was oblivious.

I hate to bring up such a gruesome image but I can think of no better example of how our own insecurities turn off our filters. A pattern of poor relationship does not come from an attraction to abusive people. It comes from an exaggerated need to be IN a relationship, which makes us unable to see red flags. Love may be blind, indeed, but insecurity is blinder.

Here is today’s Metro column:

Insecurity finds lousy relationships (voir plus bas pour la version Française)
(Source: L’insécurité mène à des relations malsaines. Journal Métro, Jan 17, 2012)

Have you ever wondered why some people seem to find themselves in one bad relationship after another? You know, the ones who ask, “Why am I always attracted to abusive alcoholics?” or, “How come I’m always with losers?” Well, it is not as if anyone specifically looks for bad relationships, but when insecurity, fear, or some other negative emotion, influences choices, the results are rarely good.

To be fair, sometimes it is just the luck of the draw. After all, stable people tend to be in longer-term committed relationships while difficult people are often the ones who are available. Just like a job with a high turnover rate, one is easy to find but there is often a good reason no one wants to stay in it. But when we find ourselves in a pattern of bad relationships, it is often because we are asking ourselves the wrong question.

Vacuums attract
Just like a vacuum tends to suck in everything in its vicinity, insecurity has a way of acting on relationships in the same way. When we hate being alone and feel a strong need to be in a relationship – any relationship – we tend to ask ourselves only one question when we meet someone: “Is this person interested in me?” A person thinking more clearly will instead ask: “Am I interested in this person?”

Too great a need to be in a relationship makes it difficult to filter out bad ones. This makes people oblivious to all the red flags that others see clearly. “Yes, he used to skin cats when he was young but he LIKES me…and he has a nice smile.” Yikes! Being in a relationship is nice, but being alone is better than being in a bad relationship.

Fears repel
On the other end of the spectrum are people who are too afraid of bad relationships. Often, they are some of the nicest people you know yet they are often alone. These people are overly cautious and tend to avoid contacts. Fear will make them over-interpret meaningless signs as possible red flags. In avoiding all possible risk, these people may be passing up many potentially strong relationships.

Relationships tend to challenge us in the epic battle between our hearts and our heads. As we ratchet up the stakes, our emotions take charge. When this happens, fear makes us avoid potentially good ones while excessive need makes us not avoid the ones we should. Either way, these insecurities will make lousy choices. Perhaps we should try to let our brains guide us instead.

Voici la version Française:

L’insécurité mène à des relations malsaines

Pourquoi certaines personnes semblent-elles accumuler les relations malsaines les unes après les autres? Vous le savez, le genre de personne qui dira : « Pourquoi suis-je toujours attirée par des alcooliques violents? », ou : « Pourquoi suis-je toujours avec des perdants? ». Eh bien, personne ne recherche particulièrement les relations moches, mais lorsque l’insécurité, la peur ou une autre émotion négative influence nos choix, les résultats sont rarement bons.

Il faut avouer qu’il s’agit parfois d’un coup de dés. Après tout, les gens stables ont tendance à s’engager dans des relations à long terme, alors que ce sont les personnes au caractère difficile qui sont habituellement fréquemment disponibles. C’est comme les emplois pour lesquels le taux de rotation est élevé : faciles à trouver, mais cachant souvent une bonne raison pour laquelle personne ne veut rester. Toutefois, lorsque nous accumulons les relations médiocres, c’est souvent parce que nous nous posons la mauvaise question.

L’attraction du vide
À l’instar du vide qui attire ce qui se trouve aux alentours, l’insécurité a un effet d’attraction sur les relations. Si nous détestons être seuls et sentons un fort besoin d’être dans une relation (quelle qu’elle soit), nous avons tendance à nous poser une seule question lorsque nous rencontrons quelqu’un : « Cette personne s’intéresse-t-elle à moi? ». Il serait plus judicieux de se demander : « Est-ce que cette personne m’intéresse? ».

Lorsque le besoin d’être en couple est trop grand, il est plus difficile de filtrer les mauvaises relations. Cela nous fait fermer les yeux sur les signaux d’alarme que les autres voient clairement. « Oui, il avait l’habitude d’écorcher les chats quand il était petit, mais IL M’AIME… et il a un beau sourire. » Aïe! Parfois, il vaut mieux être seul que mal accompagné.

La peur éloigne
À l’autre extrême, il y a des gens qui craignent trop les mauvaises relations. Ces personnes très agréables sont souvent seules. Trop prudentes, elles ont tendance à éviter les contacts. La peur leur fait interpréter des signes anodins comme des signaux d’alarme. Et en évitant tous les risques, elles pourraient passer à côté de solides relations.

Les relations peuvent nous faire entamer une bataille entre la tête et le cœur. À mesure que les enjeux montent, les émotions prennent le dessus. La peur nous fait alors éviter des relations qui auraient pu être réussies, tandis que le besoin excessif d’être en couple nous pousse dans des relations à éviter. D’une façon ou de l’autre, ces insécurités mènent à de piètres choix. Peut-être devrions-nous essayer de laisser notre tête nous guider.

Tagged as insecurity, poor relationships.

Posted in Relationships.

Posted on 17 Jan 2012