Ahhhh…look at all the lonely people.
That’s my attempt at singing a Beatles lyric in print. Today’s post is about people who have few or no friends. There are many such folks. Some are happy about it and some aren’t. In clinical practice you meet many people who are relatively isolated and it doesn’t take too long to figure out why.
The question of social isolation was the topic of my column of March 22. In it I present two radically different reasons for this isolation. It is quite simple: some people are isolated because they don’t think much of themselves (or at least do not believe others think much of them), and some are isolated because they don’t think much of others.
I have no friends
(Source: Je n’ai pas d’amis. Journal Métro, March 22, 2011)
Human beings are social animals. If we never connected to others we certainly would die off as a species. Yet we all know people who have very few friends or even none at all.
If someone were to tell you he or she lived alone and had no friends, your first instinct might be to feel sorry and think, ‘I’ll be your friend.’ I bet if you took a little time to get to know that person, you would soon understand why he or she was isolated.
Being alone or not having friends is not necessarily a problem if that is what a person prefers. However, I do think it is an indication of important issues. The lack of friends tends to indicate certain negative biases, beliefs, or perceptions. These negative perceptions can be directed either toward other people or toward the person him or herself.
Negative bias toward self
Some people have no friends because they have little confidence in themselves. Shy people, or those who are afraid of rejection or of being judged negatively, tend to avoid social contacts. Having little self-confidence, these individuals rarely take the simple steps needed to initiate or maintain social relationships – things such as making a phone call, suggesting an outing, or even simply accepting an invitation despite the discomfort it may cause.
These people may have all the abilities to make and keep friends – they may be interesting, caring, funny, etc. – but they tend to disqualify themselves from social relationships. When they do, the result is the same as for people without the abilities.
Negative bias toward others
Sometimes the negative bias is toward others. For example, some people may have trouble trusting others. An inability to trust is a serious handicap when it comes to social relationships. It is almost a guarantee of isolation. Others may have no friends because they are picky and difficult to please. People who expect too much of others, or who insist on having things their way, will be seen as negative, overly controlling, and too assertive. They will be constantly disappointed by others, and others will constantly avoid them.
If you are a person without friends because you do not want any, then so be it. It’s your life. But if you are isolated and don’t want to be, then you need to question why. If you are negative toward others, perhaps your expectations are too high. You may have to develop some tolerance and give others a little more credit. If, on the other hand, the negative bias is toward you, then you may have to give yourself that extra credit. Get out there and take your place.
Tagged as Friendships, isolation, loners.
Posted in Happiness, Relationships.
Posted on 28 Mar 2011
