There are always two blows one receives when one is the victim of a crime. The first is the direct loss of material or the sense of violation. This is what the criminal takes. But there is also a second blow, the impact on the victim’s sense of security. This is the consequence that can keep on costing.
I once used the phrase, “You are now responsible for how you act,” to a woman who was psychologically abused by her alcoholic father and neglectful mother. The woman was furious with me at first, at least until I clarified what I meant. My point was a simple one. We are not at fault for what others do to us (in cases of random and unprovoked acts). Unfortunately, no one else can respond to these acts but ourselves. We are therefore (made to be) responsible for how we deal with them.
It takes a great deal of courage but we have little choice. The normal response to a crime is to develop fear. When we are afraid, we restrict ourselves in an effort to avoid further harm. In doing so, we can end up living in a prison. Yet we are not the ones who should be behind bars.
The only way around this is to do something completely unnatural and to be defiant in the face of fear. The criminal can sometimes take a great deal from us and we may have little choice in the matter. But we can refuse to give up our sense of security as a result of what was done to us. It may be a difficult journey, but we do have the ability to control how we respond. The guiding principle is this: do exactly what you would do if you were not afraid, do not let anxiety stop you from functioning. In doing so, you will slowly get your life back and stop paying for someone else’s crime.
Here is my column on this theme from November 10, 2009. Since it was published, the woman in the story met someone and is now in a new relationship. The elderly couple in the story are my parents.
The cost of a crime
(Source: Le prix du crime. Journal Métro, November 10, 2009)
Tina
Tina doesn’t like to drink. One Saturday night, she decided to go out to a bar with some acquaintances. One or two drinks was her usual night’s consumption, three when she really let herself go. Whatever happened after her first drink, she will never know. All she can remember of that weekend was waking up in her bed the next morning.
A few days later, after feeling a burning sensation in her genitals, she went to her family doctor. Tina was diagnosed with a sexually transmitted disease. Since she had no sexual partner for the previous six-months, she realized why she remembered nothing of that Saturday night. She was likely the victim of a date rape drug.
The illness was easily treated, the psychological impact far less so. She decided she couldn’t trust people and wanted nothing to do with relationships of any kind. Nearly two years have passed and Tina remains in a state of relative isolation.
Joe and Mary
Joe and Mary are an elderly immigrant couple who worked hard all their lives and never indulged in luxuries. They were finally able to enjoy the fruits of their labor after retirement and began to travel. Returning home from a trip to Italy, they discovered they were burglarized. Two subsequent burglaries, probably perpetrated by the same individuals looking to capitalize on all the new electronics, sealed their fates. They decided to never travel again. They even hesitate to leave their home to visit people. Like Tina, they now live lives of relative isolation.
Once is enough
What is the cost of a criminal act? There is the crime itself and then there is our reaction to it. We are not responsible for bad things that others do to us. Unfortunately, we are made to be responsible for how we respond to them. Tina and Joe and Mary all decided to protect themselves from further harm. In doing so, they deprived themselves of normal lives. This is a far greater price to pay than a stolen TV.
Fear is a normal response to a criminal act. By giving in to this emotion, victims continue to pay a price for what happened to them. A better response is to be defiant and to refuse to pay any additional cost – to refuse to put their lives on hold and to confront their fears head-on.
We may have to pay a hefty price as the victim of a crime. But as far as I’m concerned, we must do our damnedest not to let the criminal take anything else from us. Our sense of security and our freedom is a price we must refuse to pay.
Tagged as anger, Anxiety, burglary, crime, date-rape, fear, Victims of crime.
Posted in Anger and conflict, Anxiety, Life.
Posted on 01 Dec 2009
