What’s worse; blind trust or paranoia?
I suppose it depends a great deal on circumstances. If one were living in a war-torn country where suicide bombings and hidden allegiances were common realities, paranoia would certainly serve to protect. But like all psychological states, paranoia and mistrust are double-edged swords. They serve a useful purpose in certain situations while causing major problems in others. Personality traits should not be seen as strengths or weaknesses. Each trait can be a strength or a weakness depending on the circumstances in which they manifest themselves.
This is especially true when it comes to trust. Trust is a major issue in our lives. It is essential in all types of relationships – children must trust that parents will protect them, lovers must trust their partners, employees must trust their employers, employers must trust their employees, patients must trust their physicians, and citizens must trust their elected officials. Yet in each of these examples, one can easily think of many violations of that trust.
One of my favourite quotes about trust is from the former UCLA basketball coach John Wooden:
…you will be hurt occasionally if you trust too much…but you will live in torment if you do not trust enough.
It comes down to degrees and circumstances. Whenever we hear of someone being taken advantage of, we react by upping our paranoia instinct. We will do so to an even greater extent when we ourselves are the victims. Yet few of us realize that there is a significant price to pay for this reduction of trust. Having too little trust will contaminate all relationships.
I have occasionally been burnt myself. Some have borrowed money that was never paid back, others have reneged on promises, and some have told outright lies about me. I will spare you the details – and myself the misery of having to re-live these events – but these times pale in comparison to the rewards reaped by showing someone an extra level of trust. When our trust in others is rewarded, interpersonal bonds become strengthened, relationships feel secure and safe, and anxiety dissipates. Best of all, trust is reciprocal. When others trust us, the rewards multiply.
In my April 28 column, I decided to focus on the idea of self-fulfilling prophecies. These are predictions that become true by virtue of the fact that we made them. When we believe something will happen, we will often change our reactions to events, which can have the effect of producing the result we anticipated. One of the best examples of this process is the effect of mistrust on relationships.
There are no two ways around it. Since we do not live in a war-torn country, paranoia will not protect us from harm. It will only protect us from imagined harm. Yes, I know, trust cannot be absolute. Many of you will think I am naive but I’m not. Believe me, I am well-versed in the dark side of human nature. However, when we live in relatively safe times, our protective instinct will put us in a virtual prison. While a certain degree of caution is wise, don’t let mistrust get the better of you. As coach Wooden put it, it’ll only torment you.
Don’t trust and get screwed
(Source: Ne vous méfiez pas trop. Journal Métro, April 28, 2009)
There are always people willing to say that if you trust others you’ll get screwed. Is this true? Perhaps, at times. When we trust others, we can sometimes be taken advantage of. However, if we don’t trust, we will always get screwed. Guaranteed.
Mistrust: A self-fulfilling prophecy
Very few people realize how much their own expectations affect reality. A self-fulfilling prophecy is a prediction that comes true simply because we made it. Believe it or not, this happens all the time. Especially when we don’t trust or when we treat others as adversaries.
Frank and Joe
Let’s consider two co-workers, Frank and Joe. Frank doesn’t trust the new guy, Joe. He thinks Joe looks a little sleazy. It won’t take long before Frank questions or accuses Joe of something, “Where was the pen of mine that you took?”
Meanwhile Joe will react to Frank’s suspicions and think he is a difficult person – I didn’t even touch his pen! Soon there will be significant tension in the relationship. At some point down the road, Joe will lie to Frank in order to avoid an argument, or simply because he is no longer interested in helping him. “I’m sorry I couldn’t help you today. I was busy with my annual report.”
Inevitably, one of Joe’s lies will be uncovered by Frank, “But I saw your completed report on the boss’s desk last week!” and voila, Frank finds his justification for not trusting Joe. This confirms his prediction – I knew I couldn’t trust him!
A small dose of mistrust
Nothing is absolute. Complete trust can indeed lead to problems. A little bit of suspicion will protect us from a great deal of harm. After all, ignorance may be bliss but naiveté can cost us dearly. That’s why it is important to question other people’s motives… occasionally anyway. For most of the time however, we must trust. Without trust, people we love or care about will eventually want out. Any relationship without trust will inevitably fail.
Of course there are plenty of people who don’t deserve our trust. If we have reason to not trust someone, we are best to walk away. However most people act in good faith and do deserve our trust. If we don’t give them the benefit of the doubt, and assume they can’t be trusted, we will eventually push them away and end up on the losing end.
In protecting ourselves against harm from the occasional untrustworthy person, we end up harming ourselves by not having the trustworthy ones in our lives.
Posted in Anger and conflict, Human nature, Relationships.
Posted on 19 May 2009
