Although I am not a child psychologist I get plenty of practice with the four teens in my home. Thank God I have a full-time job so I can get away to relax.
As part of our public education program at the Douglas Institute we have an annual series of lectures called the Mini-Psych School. This year’s theme is Child and Adolescent Psychology and I have the pleasure to host both the French and English series. (See announcement on the right column of this page) In keeping with the theme of youth, I decided to write a follow-up to my last column which dealt with education.
The theme of the column was inspired by a simple reality – little kids will do what they are told because Mom or Dad make them (even if they throw a tantrum) while teenagers will rarely do as they are told, no matter what. They think too much like adults. Whether parents like it or not, the methods that worked on their children for years will quickly stop working with teenagers. I think this when a new approach may be needed. Changing an adult’s behaviour is not the same as changing a kid’s behaviour.
Let’s consider adults and the issue of bedtime. If you think your spouse should go to bed earlier, how would you get them to do so? You would probably wait until they complained of fatigue or showed signs of it to suggest, “Maybe you should get to bed earlier?” Or you might say, “Come on, it’s getting late and you’re tired. Why don’t you go to bed?”
You would never say, “It’s 11, go to bed. NOW.” Adults simply don’t take very well to orders, even if the reasons behind them are sound. Yet this is often the approach that works so well with little kids. Clearly, if teenagers think like adults then the little kid methods will fail.
Before I upset too many parents, let me just say that I am not suggesting teenagers should never have rules and that everything must be negotiated. However, parents must be aware that if authoritarian methods start failing, persisting in them will do little more than drive a wedge between the generations. When such methods have run their course, parents need to look for other ways in. There are plenty of times when doors open and teenagers are receptive to messages. But these doors are not always open when parents want them to be.
It takes patience and a change in mindset but parents still have plenty of influence over their teenagers. It may not be as much as they would like, but as long as they remind themselves of how their teens think, it may not be a lost cause either.
Here is my September 28 column:
Teenager wars
(Source: Bras de fer avec les ados. Journal Métro, Sept 28, 2010)
The problem with teenagers is that they are goddamned teenagers. There, I said it. As a father of four of them I must admit my patience is constantly tested.
Nevertheless, like all phases in life, adolescence can be also a pretty remarkable and interesting one, even if it does present a challenge to parents and teachers. Teenagers are certainly fun to be around. They start to understand other people at a more complex level. They begin to appreciate broader political and social realities. They develop career plans. In short, their true character starts to emerge and it is nice to see.
Problems between teenagers and their adult nemeses – parents and teachers – arise because of the clash of independent minds. Teenagers think like completely independent adults. Unfortunately, one cannot go from being entirely dependent on others to being completely independent overnight. The learning curve may take years. But I have yet to meet a teenager who did not feel he or she was already there. Yours truly was no exception. It seems that the desire for independence, and the belief that one has achieved it, takes over the mind well before the learning curve has had time to develop. Of course parents must also realize that adolescents have learned a lot and may have earned a considerable amount of independence.
Advice to parents
The best thing for parents to realize is that their teenagers will soon start thinking like adults. Being condescending or ordering them to do things is unlikely to work. Instead, ask yourselves how you would influence a colleague, a sibling, a friend, or any other adult. You would probably suggest things rather than give orders. Or you might relate a personal experience and what you learned from it. In other words you would not try to make someone think the way you do. You would instead try to influence them as best you could.
Advice to teens
Yes, you’re right. Your parents and teachers don’t get you and don’t understand anything, especially not your world. On the other hand, perhaps they were once exactly in the same place as you are now. Maybe the smart teenagers they were stayed inside them and they just became…well, the same smart teenagers with more experience. Time is after all a pretty good teacher. These “experienced teenagers” might not be as stupid as you believe. Adulthood does not always make you clueless. It’s a possibility worth considering.
Tagged as Adolescence, Douglas Institute, Mini-Psych School, teenagers.
Posted in Life.
Posted on 04 Oct 2010
