“When angry, count to ten before you speak”
“Absence makes the heart grow fonder”
In my Metro column last week, I decided to explore the effect of the passage of time on our emotions and how this impacts relationships. The two quotes above help explain why some people constantly live with on-again off-again relationships.
In all relationships, we get frustrated or angry from time to time. When this anger is intense it can lead to a break-up. However, break-ups that are the result of anger tend not to last because anger dissipates over time. And of course, since absence makes the heart grow fonder, loving feelings tend to grow over time. (A similar theme was explored in “Over over and over again“)
This phenomenon also affects nostalgic feelings or the general tendency to idealize past events or relationships. Of course this is a good thing in most cases. Who really wants to remember or dwell on things from the past that, in the greater scheme of things, were actually quite trivial. The only problem is that, in certain circumstances, the tensions or difficulties in a relationship are too strong to overcome, and a break-up may be necessary. Any anger will dissipate over time, and the fondness will grow. In order to avoid the on-again off-again phenomenon, we must manage these conflicting emotions. The only choice is to do what we know is right, despite what our emotions are telling us.
Anger dissipates, love grows
(Source: La colère se dissipe, l’amour grandit. Journal Métro, September 15, 2009)
What happens to our emotions as time passes, and how do they impact our relationships? If we were to go by some common expressions, it would seem to depend on which emotion we are referring to.
Anger dissipates
According to the stoic philosopher, Seneca, delay is the greatest remedy for anger. This same idea is behind Thomas Jefferson’s popular quote ‘When angry, count to ten before you speak. If very angry, count to one hundred.’ It seems that once we allow the intensity of our anger to dissipate over time, our rational minds take over. This allows us to better analyze the event that upset us. In doing so, we may see the event as trivial, or that it was not ill-intended, or we may come to realize that our angry reaction is not worth the trouble it would cause. This analysis prevents the situation from deteriorating.Too much anger blinds us and makes us act like beasts at times. The best remedy for this is the rational mind – the rational mind that can only be accessed after a short delay.
Love grows
Yet time seems to have a different impact on positive emotions. The expression ‘Absence makes the heart grow fonder’ seems to suggest that time acts on love in the opposite way it does on anger. As time passes in the absence of our loved ones, we miss them and see them in a more and more positive light.
I think this is because our appreciation of others gets obscured when we live with them from day to day. The little frustrations and irritations that anger or upset us make us take their positive qualities for granted.
Love-hate relationships
These two phenomena are inter-related and have interesting implications for relationships. When we are with someone every day, the negatives are ever-present. This maximizes the problems in a relationship. When two people are apart, the anger dissipates and the loving feelings come back into view.
What this implies is that if we can feel close to someone while together – despite having to face any frustrations we may feel – then we are in a very strong relationship. If on the other hand we are only in love with the other person when we are apart – a common occurrence in many on-again off-again relationships – then it may be time to reconsider the long-term viability of that relationship.
Tagged as anger, hate, Love, Seneca, Thomas Jefferson.
Posted in Anger and conflict, Relationships.
Posted on 23 Sep 2009
