Golf green with envy

As a clinical psychologist I normally deal with people’s unwanted emotions (and my own for that matter). Yet the fact is most of our emotional reactions are normal ones, whether they are wanted or not, and they can’t all be “treated.” Sometimes our best option is to live with them…as best we can.

Of course all we can do when we are unhappy is to try to change the things we can and to accept the things we cannot.

Naturally our first instinct is to want to “fix” things and to address the problems we encounter. This is because anything we consider a problem arouses emotions in us. It is this process that drives us to act. Without emotions, we wouldn’t care about problems and we would do nothing about them.

Sometimes our emotions are exaggerated. For example, some people feel excessive guilt or fear when doing normal activities. Others may constantly feel inadequate even though other people are satisfied with them. Our emotions are the result of an interaction between our characterological make-up and our life experiences. Sometimes this interaction produces emotions that control us or interfere with our functioning. In such cases, the negative emotions must be addressed.

Without getting long-winded, the best way to change our unwanted emotions is to not act on them or reinforce them. (A smoker must not act on his or her urges until the urges dissipate, a claustrophobic must not avoid the elevator in the face of fear, a workaholic must resist taking work home, etc…). Over time, the emotions become better balanced. This process is helped along by the process of rationally examining the assumptions on which they are based.

You will notice I wrote “better balanced.” This is because too little negative emotion can be as much a problem as too much of it. If we didn’t have these feelings, we would not be motivated to act and we would never address issues that needed addressing.

In my last column published before I take my usual August break from Métro I wrote about one of these unwanted emotions – ENVY.

Envy sucks. The worst part is that not only does the emotion itself feel bad but it is often accompanied by additional negative feelings that result from our judgement about envy. We often feel a little self-loathing for having sunk so low. In other words, our negative feelings themselves can engender other negative feelings. This happens with many negative emotions. For example depressed people often feel worse by getting on their own cases about being depressed (what’s wrong with me, why can’t I shake this, I’m pathetic,etc…).

What this implies is that the strategy of analysing and addressing our problems is only the best one when we have some control over them (when they are changeable). This approach only backfires when we cannot change things. The attempt will only make us feel worse. In such cases, the best strategy becomes one of acceptance.

Normal feelings must be accepted…even when we hate having them.

A little envy doesn’t hurt

(Source: Un peu d’envie ne fait pas tort. Journal Métro, July 21, 2009)

Jealousy, not a pretty concept, is it? Envy and its uglier soul mate, jealousy, seem to be the most pejorative of emotions. Yet, we all feel them from time to time.

Sometimes we may be envious of others who are better at things than we are – those who earn their good fortune. At other times, these feelings emerge when we see people who were born into better circumstances than us, or who were lucky in some other way.

The more talented ones

Tiger: aka, Mr. 350 yard drive.

I wish I could be in Tiger Woods’ body for just a day. I know it might sound a little creepy – especially to Tiger – but I would love to have the feeling of hitting a golf ball over 300 yards. It’s impossible not to have some envious feelings when we see someone do something better than us, especially when we try so hard to do the same thing ourselves.

The luckier ones

Besides driving a golf ball 350 yards, I would love to drive a Porsche Turbo. Neither of these things is ever going to happen for me – barring a miracle…or a gift from a really generous reader. I know many individuals born into rich families. They can easily afford expensive vacations, nice homes, private golf club memberships, things that I would love to have. How can we not have some jealous feelings when we see such people? After all, they didn’t earn those things. They were just lucky.

Get over yourselves

Big Guy: aka, Mr. Barely gets it past the ladies tee.

When I look at my life, and at the people around me, I can’t help feeling envious or even jealous at times. If you are like me, you hate having these feelings and you certainly do not want them to consume you, or to mess up your relationships. But how are we supposed to deal with unwanted feelings?

First, we must appreciate that nobody’s life is perfect – including that of a person we may envy. From the outside, we can only see one aspect of their lives. We have no idea what they really feel. In the greater scheme of things, we too have our own little successes and our own luck that we may take for granted, and that others may be envious of.

The second thing to do is to accept envy as a normal emotion and not necessarily a sign of a significant problem. It has its benefits and can sometimes push us to greater success by motivating us. Unwanted emotions, including envy, go away by themselves with time. We need not always fight them or deny them. We must simply let them pass and get on with our lives.

In the meantime, I will be at the driving range. See you in September.

Tagged as acceptance, cognitive-behavior therapy, envy, jealousy., negative emotions.

Posted in Happiness, Life, Random thoughts.

Posted on 07 Aug 2009