“I’m like a fish out of water / a cat in a tree /I got a big chain around my neck / and I’m broken down like a train wreck / well it’s over, I know it but I can’t let go.”
- Lucinda Williams from the song “Can’t Let Go”When you’re thinkin’ of things that you might have said…let it go / When you’re dreamin’ of your lips on the back of her neck…let it go / Should’a done…that’s the devil’s game, just ask anyone that’s been driven insane / Should’a done, could’a done…give it up and let it go.
- Tom Russell from the song “Let it Go”
Sounds like Lucinda could use some advice from Tom. Let it go. It’s the kind of thing we hear from the thousands of friends and experts ready to advise us when something gnaws at us. But how exactly are we supposed to do so? And is it even possible?
Life may be difficult at times but that doesn’t mean it is complicated. Sometimes our options are quite simple; we fix what we can and we accept what we can’t. It is in the application of these options that things can get quite complicated. Most of the time, we address problems. It is the way our world is structured. We see a doctor when it hurts, we look for work when we need money, we offer to help a grieving relative when someone dies – it is natural to try to fix situations we don’t like.
Of course when this option is closed, there isn’t much left to do except “get used to it,” or “let it go,” or “accept it.”
Yeah! Nice advice…but also advice that can make us want to poke the eyeballs out of the person giving it.
Perhaps I’m being a bit harsh here but “let it go” is one of those pithy recommendations that are easy to make to others but nearly impossible to apply to ourselves. In my July 13th column for Métro, I briefly discuss the subject.
When people face a problem, they go into action mode. They think of solutions and take appropriate action – or at least what they feel is appropriate action. The problem with this natural approach is that it doesn’t distinguish between things that can be changed and things that can’t. When we do face such a situation – in my column I use the examples of chronic illness, death, and failed relationships – the act of searching for solutions becomes obsessive rumniation. Obsessing or ruminating over things that have no solution is an endless exercise. (An obsessive person who fears his hands are contaminated can wash his hands until he feels they are clean, but a person obsessing over the possibility of an illness or other potentially negative events, will never have the satisfaction equivalent to clean hands. This person’s doubts will never be eliminated.)
I think the main problem with ruminations is that they are active attempts at finding solutions. Although it can seem completely automatic (i.e., beyond our control) there is actually quite a bit of voluntariness to ruminations. If we hope to find a solution, or at least some form of reassurance, we embark on a cognitive search for it. If we know there is no answer, we are less likely to obsess endlessly. As I mention below, the key to controlling ruminations lies in changing our expectations. To let it go, we must first recognize there is no solution (this is the easy part) and then (and here is the tough part) we must resist our tendency (or the temptation) to search for one. It is this futile search that compounds our pain and frustration and does nothing but make us feel worse.
You will notice that this advice will not fix things. It will only keep things from getting worse. As unsatisfying as this solution is, it is far superior to the alternative – endless rumination.
By the way, the history of humans is full of horrible events of both natural (disease, earthquakes, floods, etc) and man-made origins (war, terrorism, etc). In the face of such events it is not difficult to understand why many cultures developed a number of acceptance-based solutions. These include stoicism, yoga, Tai Chi, and many forms of meditation, to name a few.
These principles are now influencing practices in clinical psychology. When we deal with chronic conditions such as pain disorders or recurrent depression, for example, acceptance-based approaches such as mindfulness (where you focus on your breathing while turning away from all distracting thoughts) are becoming popular.
We must still focus on fixing or changing what we can. It is always the best solution whenever possible. However, it is also important to understand that when this option is closed, it is time to consider the alternative. Let it go.
How to “Let it go”
(Source: Comment lâcher prise. Journal Métro, July 13, 2010)
It is one of those pieces of advice we hear all the time from both professionals and friends alike – Let it go. We are sometimes plagued by frustrations that eat us up inside. Of course if we can resolve them, all is well. But what happens when we can’t fix what’s wrong. When problems have no solutions the only option left is to accept them and learn to live with them. In short, let it go.
As obvious as this piece of advice is, how on earth are we supposed to let it go when the “it” is important to us? It is one of those pithy aphorisms you might hear on a talk show or read on a bumper sticker. It’s like telling someone, “Just be happy.” Well, thank you very much, Mr. Genius, now my problems are over!
A natural tendency
The natural thing to do when faced with a problem is to try to solve it. This natural tendency works well when there is a solution to be found. When there isn’t, this tendency leads to nothing but endless ruminations and ends up torturing us.
This is why we suffer so much when we must face our impotence in situations we cannot change. This happens when we are confronted by things such as the death of a loved one, or the fact that a person no longer loves us, or by a chronic illness, or many other nonreversible realities.
Fighting a natural tendency
Letting go is not a miracle solution. It will not make us feel good. What it will do, however, is prevent us from feeling worse. This is because the search for a resolution to a situation that cannot be changed will keep hurting us. Our impotence hurts again and again with each failed attempt.
The key to letting things go involves changing our expectations of what can be achieved. “Letting go” really refers to letting go of our attempts to change the unchangeable. It means to simply let bad feelings run their natural course. Like waves, they will sweep over us and then dissipate. All we can do is let them pass and then continue focusing on what we are doing at the moment. We only add to our suffering when we search for solutions that do not exist. Sometimes the best solution is an imperfect one – just let it go.
Tagged as acceptance-based approach, let it go, Letting it go, Obsessions, ruminations.
Posted in Happiness, Human nature, Life.
Posted on 28 Jul 2010
