As a psychologist, I sometimes joke that most clients fall into one of two broad categories.
The first group (the majority) are those that think very little of themselves. For these people, my job is to try to convince them they are not as bad as they believe.
Then there are the rest, the ones who think too much of themselves. My job is to convince them they are not nearly as good as they think they are. (I’m not really sure if these ones really are in the minority or whether they simply don’t seek help as often. When they do, of course, they spend most of their time blaming the rest of the world for their problems.)
The problem in both cases is that self-perceptions are rarely accurate.
People with low self-esteem do not believe they are worth very much. In their minds, their beliefs reflect the reality. This has the effect of influencing how they see things. Weaknesses get magnified, strengths become minimized, and events get distorted in such a way as to confirm their beliefs. (see also: Depression and self-confirming negative biases).
The same principles work in the opposite direction for people who are overly confident in themselves.
In working with depressed individuals, therapy focuses on helping them question their perceptions. The goal is not to deny weaknesses nor to fool them with exaggerated flattery, but rather to help them see the reality of who they are as others see them. This will hopefully result in a more accurate and fairer self-perception, one which acknowledges and normalizes imperfection, and which sees strengths for what they are.
In last week’s column, I decided to discuss this simple principle – our own self-perceptions are often quite different from the ones others have of us. It is easy to see how true this is when we look at others around us but very hard to believe when we look at ourselves.
Confidence and competence
(source: Confiance et compétence: Journal Métro, March 31, 2009)
Take a look in the mirror. Who do you see – a smart person, a capable person, a person who others appreciate – or do you see a loser, a person who is lucky to have friends and a job?
I think therefore I am
There is a simple truth to subjective judgments about ourselves and our true worth – we think they are a reflection of reality. The confident person thinks he is competent and the non-confident person truly believes he is incompetent.
Isn’t it obvious? When we believe something, it becomes our truth. When it comes to judging ourselves, we think our level of confidence in an area is directly related to our actual level of competence.
But do confidence and competence really go together? In truth, they are unrelated.
They think therefore they are not
Look around you. Think of the people you know well. I bet it won’t take long to think of some who have little confidence in themselves but who are, in fact, quite smart or good at what they do – people you respect and appreciate. I’m sure you can also think of a number of people who are quite confident in themselves yet aren’t particularly competent, people who could use a little humility.
When you think of things this way, it doesn’t take long to realize that how people see themselves and how others see them are hardly ever the same, at least in the world outside of our heads. Inside our heads however we think they are related – that what we feel about ourselves is also what others see.
I think therefore what am I?
It’s not that we are never accurate in our own self-assessments. It’s just that they are influenced by personal biases. Confident people will, by virtue of that confidence, believe they are good. They may sometimes be right, but they may also just be full of themselves.
The same goes for people who lack confidence. While at times they may feel this way because they don’t have the same level of abilities as others, there are many times when it is just a reflection of poor self-esteem rather than poor skills.
So when you look in that mirror, remember that self-confidence is not necessarily related to true competence. Your mirror may be as distorted for you as it is for others. If you have confidence in yourself, you may not be as good as you think you are. On the other hand, if you lack confidence, remember that you may not be as bad as you believe either.
Tagged as Depression, self-esteem, Self-perception.
Posted in Depression, Happiness.
Posted on 14 Apr 2009
