Pants on fire!

As a parent, if there is one thing I really, really hate, it is when my kids lie to me. Yet I remember lying to my parents hundreds of times when I was young. In fact, I still lie to my mother all the time even though I consider myself an extremely honest man.

When my mother asks me how the kids are, I always say, “Fine,” even when one of them has a bad cold. I figure it is easier to do so than to get a lecture about how I should bundle them up when they go outside. I also get to hear her theory about how the constantly changing weather conditions make us sick, followed by her insistence that I take them to the doctor for some antibiotics.

My efforts to explain that colds are caused by viruses and not “cold air that slips in at the wrist between glove and coat sleeve,” (she really said that once, I swear), have had no impact. Neither have my efforts to explain how the overuse of antibiotics has created strains of superbugs. Now I just say, “Everyone’s fine, Ma.” I hate lying to her but she gives me little choice.

It is a simple example but one that does show how the person being lied to is sometimes as responsible for a lie as the liar. I much prefer honesty, but if someone isn’t going to accept my answer, they may get a lie. Here’s another favourite example.

I used to get approached in front of department stores and asked if I had their credit card. I would always say that I did not, but added that I was not interested. Inevitably, I would then be followed into the store with a sales pitch about all the card’s benefits as well as the special introductory gift I would receive.

Every time I complained, my wife would tell me, “Do what I do. Tell them you have it, and they go away.”
“No,” I would argue, “They should respect my answer and leave me alone.”

Well, after many more times, I finally capitulated and started lying. I must say it worked beautifully, except for the one time when I was approached by a young man at Zeller’s with a clip board who asked me if I had the Zeller’s card. When I said, “Yes,’ he asked if it was the red one or the blue one. I froze for a second before guessing blue. He said, “OK,” and left. WHEW!

Of course, most people simply lie for personal gain. We are right to hate lies and the people who lie to us. It’s just that in some cases, we give them little choice. That’s when we share some of the responsibility for the lie.

Here is a column I wrote on the subject last week.

The truth about lies (Source: La vérité sur le mensonge; Journal Métro, April 8, 2008)

No one likes to be lied to. Yet let’s not kid ourselves, we all lie. Some of us just seem to do it more often. I’m not sure if we were born to lie but it certainly seems to happen early in life. Any toddler that breaks a vase will quickly point to a sibling. As for other living things, I get the feeling that if my dog could talk, and he ever broke anything more than wind, he would find a way to blame the cats for it.

It is important to understand that there are two people involved in every lie: the one doing the lying, and the one being lied to. This implies that there are times when the one being lied to shares some of the responsibility for the lie. Lies are what people tell us when they do not want to deal with our reaction to the truth. The fact is that some of us give others little choice but to lie.

The liar
People who lie excessively do so to avoid facing a negative response. They may want to do something selfish or indulge an impulse without consequence. They may want to gain the upper hand in an argument. Regardless, they may lack the maturity, the desire, or the nerve to face the music.

It may be normal to lie occasionally but if you are a person who constantly lies, maybe you should start facing facts. You can’t always get what you want. If you do not learn to take “no” for an answer, you will only end up burning bridges and losing credibility. Getting what you want will become more and more difficult over time. Avoiding consequences has consequences.

The one being lied to
If some people are lied to more often than others, then it may be because they are very controlling. They may overreact when they are told the truth. They may stifle freedom and creativity. Regardless, they may not have the maturity to face the fact that the world is not as they want it to be.

We all get lied to and it can’t be avoided. However, if you are a person who is lied to excessively, then perhaps you had better learn to accept that you can’t always get what you want either. You cannot always control others. If you want people to be more honest with you, you had better learn to accept differences of opinion and to cut them some slack. Otherwise, like the liar, you too will find that you will get your way less and less often over time. Controlling consequences has consequences.

Tagged as honesty, lying.

Posted in Anger and conflict, Human nature.

Posted on 13 Apr 2008