A woman without hair, a man with a diseased penis, a teenager with psoriasis all over his back, a woman with severe varicose veins, a manager with a record of a sexual infraction…
If I extended this list, I might eventually get to something that you identified with yourselves. We almost all have shames or secrets that we would rather keep to ourselves. Some involve past behaviours or situations (bouts with mental illness, criminal history, having been fired from a job, etc.) while others involve physical illness or deformities that were not even things we had any control over.
For some reason, there are things that are easier to talk about than others. One can easily talk about how their arthritis is acting up, or be asked by others, “So, how’s your arthritis treating you?” Yet somehow you would never hear someone talk so openly about an erectile dysfunction. (“I don’t know, man. I’m really starting to have trouble penetrating.”)
Of course you may also have noticed how some people feel completely free to talk about any physical subject (“My Goddamn hemorrhoids are killing me!”), while others are mortified at the thought.
While some of these images may be funny, and we can all laugh at some of our normal human foibles, the reality is that sometimes peoples lives are defined and dominated by these hidden secrets. Some people avoid all close social contacts or relationships and end up living isolated existences. It is painful to see.
In last week’s column, I focussed on the topic of hidden secrets. (Yes, I have plenty of them myself and no, you won’t find out what they are.) My point is a simple one: It is OK to keep a secret as long as it doesn’t make things worse for you. One must balance the benefits of being discreet, such as avoiding prejudice or negative judgements, with the potential harm one may face when questions start to be asked by others.
Telling your secret (Source: Libérez-vous de vos secrets. Journal Métro, January 20, 2009)
Is there something you’re ashamed of? Something you wouldn’t want people to know?
We all do. There are secrets of all sorts. I’m not referring to lies that some people tell in order to avoid trouble, such as an illegal act or an illicit affair. No, I’m referring to secrets we keep because of embarrassment and shame, secrets we keep to protect our image or reputation.
Would you tell people if you had a bankruptcy in your past or a history of mental illness? What about erectile dysfunction? What would you tell others upon your return to work after a six-month leave for burnout?
Should secrets be told? In general, I don’t think it matters. Most people can do so at their discretion. Some could care less what others think, while others are mortified at the thought of their secrets getting out. They may keep things to themselves because of a sense of social embarrassment, or a desire not to be discriminated against. There are times, however, when even these individuals may be better off letting it out.
Time to tell
Mr. C. was a client who suffered from Parkinson’s disease. He wanted to continue working unabated and was determined to minimize the disease’s impact on his functioning. Not wanting to be treated any differently, he hid his disease from his associates. He adopted many strategies including the timing of his medication to coincide with meetings, and dictating all memos in order to hide his deteriorating handwriting.
This worked quite well until the disease progressed to the point of producing obvious symptoms. It was at this point that I suggested he consider telling his secret. I asked him to compare what people would think if they knew the truth – that he had a disease that did not slow his mind and his ability to contribute – to what they would think if they made their own assumptions: “Is he losing it? Can he still do his job?” Mr. C. decided it was time to tell.
Reality versus imagination
Keep whatever secrets you want to. Just don’t forget how fertile imagination can be. By keeping a secret when others suspect something, we allow their imaginations to run wild. In such cases, the potential damage caused by their assumptions is probably going to be worse than any harm caused by them knowing the truth. In these cases, telling your secret would minimize any negative prejudice.
You might even earn some added respect and understanding as a bonus, just as Mr. C did.
Tagged as physical deformities, shame, social isolation.
Posted in Life, Random thoughts.
Posted on 27 Jan 2009
